Sunday 26 January 2014

The Colonoscopy Diet Plan

Want to lose 3 kilos (six and a half pounds in old money) in two days? Have a colonsocopy!

It's not much of a diet plan I know but last Wednesday, having had a small periscope thing called a sigmoidoscope shoved up my jacksie, they said they needed a proper look with the whizzy camera at the big hospital. No problem there as this camera is a tiny thing at the end of  a fiber-optic line but the kicker is they need you "empty" so they can get some good footage (they probably upload the best bits to YouTube)

So back comes nursie with my invitation to big hospital and a blue box with two sachets of powder in it. "You'll need to take one of these in the morning and one in the afternoon" she says, "stay off work, don't go out and stay near the loo."

Which wasn't quite right, what she should have said was "You might want to run Ethernet to your lav and stream the last two series of Game of Thrones off Netflix because you and your porcelain throne are going to get to be really good friends over the next 24 hours."

Let's jus say last Thursday wasn't the best day in my life although I did get to drink Lucozade like when I was a kid.

Anyway Friday dawns and I weigh myself. 78.5kg, down over three kilos. When you think about it that's an awful lot of stuff working its way through you at any one time. So I'm now allowed to eat again, yay! Trouble is your guts don't seem to like being turned off and on again like your laptop so its rather uncomfortable as everything gets back to normal - plus of course Mr Poo still has to negotiate its way past Mr Tumor and he's still being a bastard so that's uncomfy as well.

However it is giving me a perfect excuse to lounge around on the sofa on a wet Sunday. Might even watch some more Game of Thrones.

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