They say that you really shouldn't consult Dr Google. "Everyone is different," they say; "your symptoms won't exactly match," they say. Generally that's true and you can easily google you cold and flu symptoms and go away convinced you have a combination of Ebola, H5N1 and Choleric Humours in the Spleen.
However after checking out some very serious studies from the likes of Johns Hopkins, Oxford University and the Khazakstan Institute of Horse Medicine* what they tend to agree on is that with my diagnosis you humble dragon is, quite frankly, toast. The 5 year survival rate for any kind of liver metastases is around 6% and I've got quite a few of the little bastards. Also Mrs Tiger had a chatette with primary cancer angel who admitted the main reason they are not going to operate on the bowel cancer is "quality of life" - which is cancerspeak for "you've got precious little time left, the last thing you need is three months recovering from major surgery".
So there you are. Most likely I'll be in a box inside of two or three years**.
Now how exactly are you supposed to react to that kind of thing?
You'd think floods of tears, raging at God / The World / Fate / The Invisible Pink Unicorn (PBUH), rending of clothing in twain and the like wouldn't you? Well it turns out not. I'm just completely calm about the whole thing. I'm not in denial, I know its going to happen but I feel... nothing; no anger, no fear, no frustration, nothing. Maybe a little wistfulness that it might have been nice to be pottering around weeding the brassicas and showing Welsh mountain ponies when I was 64 but that's about it.
It's a bit bastard wierd I can tell you.
* Note sure they were very useful, it said I probably had worms.
** I'm a dragon, you'll need a bastard big box; better get planing that wood now.
Oddly and coincidentally,I've just been on the phone to an old colleague, discussing our relative uncertain futures. While I can't possibly put myself in your shoes,I have said on many occasions that I would hope to accept a fatal diagnosis with pragmatism, almost relief. A sort of, "There you go then. Next!" attitude. I hope your stoicism serves you well.
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